Beef?  Yes, I have a beef (I know, I know … big surprise) and it's that there are too many choices and not enough quality in this world of ours.  Once again, I am going to get a lot of flack for this post but the truth hurts, people.  Picture it:  somewhere on Long Island, circa 1984,  some genius in some catering office in Great Neck decides it's a good idea to give guests a choice of main course (another example of brilliant marketing ideas that ruin our lives).  Not just a choice, mind you, but a selection!  Now I ask you, when is the last time you went to a friend's home for a relatively formal sit-down dinner party and you were given a choice of main course?  Probably never; and I'm not talking about a casual buffet or backyard barbeque with a mélange à grille.

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One thing I try (often in vain) to impress upon my clients is that the rules of entertaining remain the same whether the deed is done at home for an intimate dinner of eight friends or at The Pierre hotel for 500 guests in black-tie.  How I long for the days when everyone sat down, shut up, and ate what he/she was served (thanks for the training, Mom).  If you peruse printed menus from historic events, you will never find a choice of main course therein.  Ask any questions about the menu items offered, or for a special meal, and you would be shown the door (buh-bye).  Guests who complain to the waiters about the meal that their hosts have selected for them really should be tossed out with the carrot tops, in my humble opinion.   One of the pleasures of any formal social gathering of family and friends is the shared experience of dining on the same meal.  This has nothing to do with a restaurant experience where the point of dining à la carte is to sample the chef's wares which are prepared just for you.  The skills required for an à la carte chef are very different from those required for a banquet chef.  At a catered dinner for 200 if you divide the chef's focus too much, the food will be mediocre no matter where you are.  Yes, even at Mandarin Oriental or The Plaza in New York.  The result is the dreaded rubber chicken we've all been talking about for the last thirty years.

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The whole point of a "banquet" is that there is "plenty," in the true sense of the word:  six to ten passed hors d'oeuvres, two or three cocktail buffet stations, a first course, a main course, a salad course, a dessert course, cake, and finally, a selection of miniature sweets.  If a guest doesn't like something offered, then he or she can easily just eat around it – yes, cut and reposition the offending item on your plate like when you were ten – and certainly not leave hungry.  Yet people obsess big-time about the four-to-six ounces of protein on the main course plate.  This drives me absolutely stark-raving mad!  Now, I know that I will not succeed in turning back the clock to the more civilized days of a fully composed, single-main course meal, but aren't two choices enough?  I have to draw the line at three or more.  A printed menu card offering atableside choice between beef or fish is the best way to satisfy your guests and any place worth its salt offers a silent vegetarian option these days.  Vegetarians and vegans are not shy about asking.  A catered dinner is not an automat encounter (forgive the dated term; if you're under 50 look it up).

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A couple of years ago, I had a client who insisted on a choice of three main courses (plus a "silent" vegetarian option) and nothing I could say would dissuade her.  After several weeks, I finally broke down and told her it was just plain tacky but she still didn't care.  I thought the top-notch caterer was going to freak.  Not only is it questionable in terms of the taste level but there is a great amount of waste which, frankly, I find quite disgusting in today's world.  Oh, and did I mention the bride wanted a "green" wedding?  So much for that.  Have the guests pre-select their main courses, you say?  This is even tackier and always turns into a disaster.  Even if you put little colored dots (Egads!) on place cards, Great Aunt Gertrude is still going to argue with the dumbfounded waiter and insist she ordered the chicken, not the fish.  This will happen at least twenty times in any given large group of confused guests and it throws the kitchen into a frenzied fiasco.  No event that I was involved with was going to send out a response card that had the words "Chicken, Fish, or Beef" on it.  So being the creative planner that I am, I protected my reputation with adorable stylized pictures …

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Eat, drink, and be merry?  Well turn that list of imperatives on its head and there you will find the simple recipe for a successful party.  The joy of a wedding, bar/bat mitzvah, birthday party or the like has very little to do with the food.  Now if the food is horrible that's not good and people might talk, but if it's mediocre-to-excellent no one will remember the next day.  What they will remember is that the band rocked, the wine glasses were always full, and the hosts were gracious and glowing.  If you don't like the dinner your hosts provide (free of charge, I might add), put a lid on it and stop at the 24-hour diner for a burger and fries on the way home.

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